Something happened yesterday that broke my heart. I was chatting to someone, though I don’t know him, he asked me if I had any children. Within about 3 seconds I had had an internal conversation with myself, “Shit what shall I say?” glanced at my workmate, searched her face for the answer then said “No” then battled for the next ten minutes not to burst into tears. If I had said “Yes” it may have opened up a conversation that would have no doubt ended up with me in tears in front of a stranger, a bit awks!!!!
I felt incredibly guilty that I had just denied my Son but I shouldn’t feel guilty should I? I thought about it for a while after that, there was no need for me to feel guilty at all- I don’t have to discuss everything with everyone, I share a lot of myself and my story with my friends and strangers alike, I hope that people get something from my openness, as much as I get from being open, but it doesn’t have to be a 24/7 deal.
I think anyone who talks about grief, sadness, epilepsy, loss, depression or anything really that shows our imperfections, shows that we are vulnerable, not ‘perfect’ are doing the rest of us a service, we are not alone right? There are other people who feel just like me right? I have a disability and I’m not the only one right? Feeling isolated and alone and feeling like you are the only one going through what you are going through is never good. No one has a perfect life, though with social media being what it is we can sometimes be guilty of posting the good stuff right? I have such a great life, look at the selfie of me I’m the happiest person on the planet!! While I am a massive fan of social media and I use it a lot, I think a lot of us can be a bit guilty of guilding our lives a bit at times.
But we all choose what we put out there, I chose at that moment to say “No” to that man, not because I was ashamed, that I’m not proud of my Son, because I am, more than anything else in my life ever, but at that moment, with that person, I didn’t want to talk.
Sometimes, most of the time it’s good to talk, but now and then it’s not.