365 days

One year today, feels like yesterday, feels like forever.

One year ago today the whole World changed, it changed because my Son was no longer in it.

One year ago today my whole World changed, it changed because my Son was no longer in it.

One year ago today my Husband’s, my Brother’s, my Dad’s, my Step-mum’s, my niece’s, and countless other peoples live’s changed, its like a ripple in a pond.

I am a different person than I was 366 days ago, I look different, I behave differently, I think differently.  The worst bit is that I miss Charlie, I miss him so much it hurts, physical & emotional pain all mixed together. So often I yearn to chat with him, to hear his voice, to tell him something, to have a kebab together, to do his washing, no nag him, to worry about him. To Mother him.

I look different, I have put on weight, a combo of not really caring about myself and the amount I drink these days, I would never recommend self medicating with alcohol but it’s what I do, I tell myself that next week I will start to cut down but next week hasn’t come yet. My eyes are different too, when I look in the mirror I can see the grief and sadness in my eyes, it’s always there, even if I’m smiling, I think it’s a dead giveaway if someone were to look into my eyes I think they would know what has happened even if I don’t know them so I try not to look at people very much.

I behave differently, I often get very introverted and don’t want to see or talk to people, I lack confidence and am unwilling to take a chance on anything. Even though outwardly people see Rod & I travelling around Australia seeing amazing things and meeting amazing people its not what it should be for me, not that I’m not enjoying it as I am, but I swing so much between happy & excited and desperately sad & defeated I feel sick.

I think differently, I used to have passions in life, strong opinions on certain things that I loved to do, loved to see, things that would make me super happy when I thought about it & super angry when I let my thoughts go there – now though I just think about Charlie, it feels like I think about him every second of everyday, if my heads not thinking about him my heart is and while it can be comforting to remember fun times together it’s also exhausting, I get so tired and thats when I start to think that what happens when I get so tired I can’t do it anymore?

I know what happens, I lean on my Husband, I call a friend, I plan where we might go next, I kiss my dog, I give my cat a fuss. I think about the good bit’s of my life and I try to let the good thoughts push up to the surface, in many ways I am lucky, I have a small, far away but wonderful family, I have a wonderful Husband, I have supportive friends, Rod and I are ‘living the dream’ I have happy times, fun ties, silly times but they are always mixed with regrets, sadness, resentment and even a bit of anger – though anger is one I fight hardest to not entertain, in my head anger will destroy me.

My views on spirituality and religion haven’t changed in the past year though I have explored my thoughts, I have spoken to friends who have a strong faith or are strong spiritual people and while I respect their views I haven’t managed to convince myself that there are pearly gates, heaven or hell, I don’t believe in spirits or ghosts, I don’t feel Charlie’s presence, although I have tried, I have tried so hard, I have looked for ‘signs’ that he is with me, looking after me but I just don’t feel it. I would be lovely though wouldn’t it, I think it would be such a comfort.

But here I am a year on, I’m still here, I still get up everyday, I laugh, I see that there are so many wonderful things in my world, so many wonderful people and while my life used to be a shiny, sparkly diamond these days its a pearl with a soft sheen, still precious just not so bright.4328bb88f01bc06fa1fc230a0970cf09

 

 

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2 thoughts on “365 days

  1. Tears and such sadness for you Rach. For how your life has changed without Charlie in it. It can be so harsh sometimes but I do so admire your strength in rolling with the punches and the fact that you can find pearls in your life. Go well as best you can my dear friend xo

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